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whatthecrapgoat
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Name: Christian
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Orange County
Birthday: 7/12/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Orthodoxy, theatre, people, living life well, beauty, joy, singing, the guitar (God's gift of instrument to man), i like other stuff too...seriously.
Expertise: Not much...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/10/2004
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| consider the harry potter saga finished...
hell yeah. | | |
| i don't know if my anger is justified.
[i know response when i see it, and i don't see it in you.]
ouch.
if i could keep documentation of all the advice that has been sent my way over the last 13 years, i would constantly be writing. the unsolicited advice, the discouraging pep-talks, they only point one way, to anger. i don't know why it is that his incessant stream of "helpful talks" upset me just about more than anything else. i guess it's because when i expect help i expect to hear a little bit more than about how much unactualized potential i have, or how i'm nothing like my shotgun married cousin.
[you let your emotions get the best of you. tell them this is where they get off the train.]
check. i went back to the job that i hate more than just about anything because making money is "the most important thing" in my life right now. i swallowed my pride, lost the hysteria, and went back to asking kids if they want fries, melon, salad, or coleslaw with that for eight hours a day. but of course, my emotions get the best of me and i'm "delinquent" because i want to go home for a couple weeks. my social obligations keep slipping through my fingers.
[i don't want to contribute to your delinquency. i'll say it again, delinquency.]
i'm stumbling around, it's true. but i'm hardly delinquent. i am doing all i can to find a place in this world. i am searching with both hands, my feet, and eyes. i'm trying to do well and not fall off the track of life. i don't plan on just sitting on my non-existant laurels while the world passes me by, throwing me handouts every now and again. i am searching for a job, i'm hoping to get further along in life than always working as a waiter. if not for any other reason than because i hate the fucking uniform.
i just don't think anyone should be able to give advice to or accuse somebody that they don't even know. yes, i'm lost. no, i'm not delinquent. forget going home. i don't even want to be anywhere near him. i just can't stand the constant disappointed look. ::fine, i'll admit it - rejecting this teaching position means i'm throwing my life down the drain - happy?:: of course, they're always right about everything and their decisions for what's best for me are completely accurate. my values are incorrect as long as they aren't their values.
forgive me, mother, but i'm no longer the boy you used to know.
forgive me, father, but i'm not going to just sit by and watch you shit all over my self-worth.
bring it on, world. you've got hell to pay. | | |
| but sometimes i don't know how i can possibly make it to tomorrow. | | |
| i just don't want there to be five bodies on stage at the end of it.
i want to let it be and let things rest. trust in myself and the goodness of God above all else.
i would hate for the noetic othello within to take over and smother every good thing that beloved desdemona offers. her chaste, right self brought up against the burning jealousy within my breast would bring the pillow right to her face and bid her breathe.
rather, i want to run through the world freely, gently, and lovingly. i want love to reverberate off the houses and buildings and ring loud and clear.
Lord, have mercy upon me and help me to become the approved doer of your commandments. | | |
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